How to write wedding vows that sound like you

Personal vows are the part of the ceremony guests remember longest, and the part couples dread writing most. After officiating many weddings, I have a simple method that produces vows that are honest, warm, and the right length. Here it is.

Decide the ground rules together

Before either of you writes a word, agree on three things:

• Length. Aim for one to two minutes each, roughly 150 to 250 words. Vows that run past three minutes lose the room.
• Tone. Mostly heartfelt with a little humour, or the other way around? Matching tone keeps one of you from feeling exposed.
• Structure. Will you both end with the same promise? Will you exchange them privately first? Decide now.

Then write separately. The surprise is part of the magic.

The four-part structure

Almost every great vow has these movements, in this order.

1. The moment you knew. Open with one specific memory, not a summary of your relationship. "The night you drove two hours to bring me soup" beats "You have always been there for me."

2. What you love about them. Two or three concrete traits, each with a tiny example. Specific beats grand.

3. The promises. Three to five, and make at least one of them small and real. "I promise to always let you have the last dumpling" sits beautifully next to "I promise to choose you on the hard days."

4. The look ahead. One or two sentences about the life you are stepping into together. End on their name.

Writing tips that actually help

• Write the first draft by hand, fast, without editing. You are collecting material, not composing.
• Read it aloud. Anything you stumble on, cut or simplify. Vows are spoken, not read.
• Avoid inside jokes that need explanation. Guests should be able to follow every line.
• Do not try to cover everything. One true thing lands harder than ten general ones.
• Sleep on it, then trim by a quarter.

Getting through the moment

Print your vows on a card, in a large font, and hand it to me before the ceremony. I will pass it to you at the right time so you are not fumbling in a pocket. Pause when you feel emotion rising; the room will wait with you, and those pauses are often the most moving part. Breathe before you begin, look at your partner, and speak to them, not to the guests.

If you would rather not write your own

There is no rule that says you must. Many couples choose traditional vows, or repeat-after-me vows I write in your voice from our conversations. During our planning meeting we will find the option that makes you feel like yourselves, not like performers.